STACY's Space 🌍

22 days ago, I was in a dark place. I had just gotten my MCAT score back, and the results – let’s just say, my performance drove me into a spiral. For most of my life, I never imagined alcohol would become something I would have to… fight. I always associated alcohol with fun and parties and unforgettable nights; never as a place of refuge after succumbing to a long day battling demons. I never really pictured myself as someone who struggled to survive every day, and I certainly never imagined that some days, opening my eyes would take everything out of me. But somewhere in the mix of post grad life stressors, another once in a while gut wrenching type of heartbreak, late nights and early mornings attempting to study for my exam, even longer days of endless routines to become the best version of me, constantly battling with loneliness, and simultaneously trying to stay strong for everyone else as a medical assistant and scribe, I’m going to be totally honest here, drinking after obligations became my escape. A bottle of Crown Royal was only an arm’s way of softening the painful world that I constantly had to navigate. It slowly but surely became my way of soothing, and it certainly didn’t start dramatically. It was subtle — a slowly simmered slide into a habit I didn’t want to admit almost completely took power over me.

21 nights of Sobriety in, I can truthfully say that my journey began not with confidence, per say, but with fear. Fear of losing myself, fear of staying the same, and fear of who I was becoming in the dark moments when no one was watching me. That first night was quiet but heavy, filled with emotions I had been avoiding and tons of withdrawal symptoms. I was sweating heavily during my sleep, had the chills in the middle of the night; the whole nine yards. It was uncomfortable, incredibly loud inside my mind, and deeply unfamiliar territory. This happened for about 5-6 days, but for the first time in a long time, I chose myself instead of numbing myself and I was so proud that I decided to download an app called, “I am sober” to track my journey.

By the end of the first week, the very first thing that I noticed was that my brain fog started to lift significantly, and my energy almost exponentially rose. My thoughts felt clearer than ever, and I could sense myself returning in small, honest ways. The cravings didn’t disappear, not at all. In fact, I got a paycheck around this time, just as I had gotten past the achey-feeling-night sweats/ chills-era, and though I was so tempted to return to my old habits, I knew that the reason behind them would manifest if I didn’t address them head on. The truth is, I wasn’t ever craving alcohol or any other substance of choice — I was craving comfort. And for the first time in my life, I’m finally learning how to create comfort without self-destruction; how to apply the perfect pressure in order to produce diamonds.

Two weeks into my sobriety, I realized how deeply I had been abandoning myself. All my discipline, femininity, ambition, softness — the pieces of me that make me who I am — had been buried under exhaustion and emotional numbing. Sobriety stopped being about the lack of alcohol and became a process of reconnecting with myself. This honestly started with getting a hold of my mind through meditation, which had previously been a foggy experience. I also restarted connected with my body, which had been tired, through the form of dance and yoga; and I became attune with my emotions, which had been pushed all the way down to a place I couldn’t grasp anymore. At the 17 day mark, my purpose, which had lost some of its shine, started to ignite itself into small parts of my every day decisions including choosing to delete and stay off all my social media; performing a ton of self care during my free time such as my hair – skin – nails routines; hanging out with people who genuinely care about me; allowing myself to feel and be present whenever I want; JOURNALING daily; and going to therapy weekly… it has all helped me to reconnect with myself in ways I never thought possible. For the first time in my entire adult life, I have started waking up with a sense of self-respect and confidence that I haven’t felt in years… and immense faith in God that was before shaken stiff. It would not be wrong to say that I was likely serving the wrong god during my battle with alcohol, yet I withered and wondered why my life was going awry.

Now, twenty-one nights later, I feel… elevated. As if I’ve stepped into a version of myself I had been searching for in all the wrong places. Clarity isn’t always peaceful; sometimes it’s raw, uncomfortable, and revealing. However, if there’s something that rings true, it’s that clarity is always honest. Consciousness means seeing your patterns without escaping them, taking responsibility while giving yourself grace. And choosing myself, wholeheartedly and without apology, is the part of me that I am most proud of today. Not because this journey has been perfect or easy whatsoever, but because for the first time in a long time, I am no longer abandoning the woman whom I’m becoming. No. I’m immersing myself into the trails of her soul, and thrusting myself upon the possibilities of the woman she has always dreamt that she could be.

These twenty-one nights have shown me that I don’t need to numb my life to survive it. I deserve peace that would never be able to come from a bottle of spirits. I can’t believe that I’m on this journey, but I am! And my mind is sharper, clearer and exponentially more productive when it’s entirely sober. My mornings feel sacred again, and my emotions are finally allowed to exist without judgment from myself. Discipline is a form of self-love. Of self care.

Healing requires presence, not escape. And choosing myself — consistently, intentionally — is the most powerful decision I have ever made.

If you’re reading this and fighting a similar quiet battle, please know you are not weak, broken, or alone. You’re someone who has been coping with the tools life has handed to you. However, also know that you are someone that IS capable of choosing differently, even if it’s one night at a time. Whether you’re at day zero, day one, or somewhere far beyond where I am, I’m rooting for you. We deserve clarity. We deserve consciousness. We deserve peace. We deserve to finally meet the versions of ourselves we’ve been numbing. Here’s to the next night, and the next, and the next — choosing me, softly and without shame. Chosing sobriety, one step at a time.

👣

Yours truly,

Stacy Rahaka.

But you can call me Stace 🫶🏾