Sometimes she was gold. Other times, just so cold.

I don’t understand how I’m so bad at relationships. I mean, seriously. How can something so easy be so difficult? Initially I wanted to blame it on my Schizoaffective disorder – more on that later, but now I’m starting to think maybe the core of it all is… me. It feels like sometimes I’m blessed with the best people for me, but something happens that causes me to overreact and completely lose hindsight of everything the relationship meant to me. Sometimes she felt like gold. Other times, she felt so cold. This is about my heart. I feel like I have a heart of gold, but other times, it’s just so cold. I treat the right people in the wrong ways, then commence to be angry at myself for losing valuable relationships.

Maybe I need to see a therapist about this?

By the way, I wonder if more Black people will finally start treating mental health with the rigor that’s needed to tackle it. So many people have Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Depression and Anxiety in the community, yet nobody wants to address it. Mental health has arguably always been a “taboo” topic. And it’s fascinating to me how easy it is to point fingers and call someone “crazy” or “demented” over mental health issues, then turn around and self-medicate with weed, alcohol, sex, and social media… askew to one’s own issues. But that’s a different conversation for a different day.

Anyways, school has been really kicking my butt lately. So much so that it got to the point where I had to reassess EVERYTHING – including a relationship with the man I thought was the love of my life. It’s so wild to me how distance plays such a huge factor in a relationship. Too much of it and the environment feels intoxicated with both your energies; too little of it and you crave the person like a drug, which might actually turn you crazy. Initially, I thought my man was a distraction. We had a heated argument about whether our relationship was helping or hurting us, and finally, the argument ended with a brawl that led into several people that shouldn’t have been involved get involved. I felt miserable for about 2 weeks about it. But now, after having a genuinely good conversation with my ex, I can happily say that we’re both in a good place and whatever is bound to happen, will happen. I’ll always love and appreciate him for how special he treated me, but I have to assess for my own whether my patterns of behavior are enriching or impoverishing my mind and hence my wealth.

By the way, speaking of habits, I’m currently making it a daily habit to read and write more, hence the creation of this blog. I’m not gonna lie, I hope and pray that my stories can resonate with others, and that this blog gets to a Quadrillion subscribers, though I’ll be happy with a couple hundred million, haha. No but lseriosuly, it’s been a long time coming that I created this blog, and I’m so thankful to you for reading this far. I hope my stories fill you with light, inspiration, and maybe even occasional laughter. Subscribe to the newsletter so that I know you are tuned in. I have something very special for my next blog post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: