Picture this: you’re in the bed of someone you think you love. It’s taken weeks, maybe even months for you to get here. But it’s arrived. Then suddenly, it hits you. They don’t see you in the same light that you see them. To you, they’re everything: fun, fine and fit to be a partner. But to them, you’re just a piece of meat – something that can merely be replaced as soon as they get bored. You’re not there to be a part of their life in the long haul. No. You’re just there to fill the temporary void that sits at the depths of their soul. It’s not because they don’t necessarily “care” about you. Besides, caring is subjective. They’re simply… emotionally unavailable. And while you enjoy their company and their touch, trust me, you don’t want to pursue anything with an emotionally unavailable person. And I’ll tell you why.

Emotionally unavailable people are dangerous. This is because they give you the impression that they’re on the same page as you, when deep down at their core, they couldn’t give two damns about you. I mean, how could they? Their amygdala – the area of the brain that processes emotions, has been shut off. This means that they’re virtually incapable of feelings such as love, and they’re simply stringing you along their life as they figure out their next move. They’re sad and lonely on the inside, but they’ll never admit to it. Because admitting it would mean facing their emotions, and like we’ve just discussed, they’re incompetent when it comes to facing their fears – a primary emotion that the amygdala processes. This means that no matter how much you love them, and no matter how much you try, you’ll simply never be enough.

I’ve dated someone who was emotionally unavailable and I’ll tell you first hand that it was a shipwreck. There were constant conversations where he reminded me that we were merely just “friends”, besides all the actions alluding to something more. There were recurring arguments because we simply weren’t on the same page; and a complete destruction to my self-esteem as I constantly tried to figure out why he couldn’t see me for the amazing being that I was. Unrequited love is devastating. But what’s even more devastating is being strung along like some puppet… giving your all while they give you the absolute minimum emotionally. However, after talking to someone about this, I’ve learned that there are three things that make an emotionally unavailable person, and today I’ll be sharing them with you so that you can see the signs and avoid them as much as possible.

The number one rule to spotting an emotionally unavailable person is that they constantly avoid intimacy. They don’t want to touch you, they don’t want to kiss you, and they occasionally don’t want to have sex with you. I say ‘occasionally’ because they’ll only use you for sex when THEY want it. Otherwise, they’ll make excuses such as they’re tired or there’s “a lot on their mind”, when the true reason is they just don’t want to be emotionally invested with you since intimacy is a huge investment. They also fear sharing their inner most thoughts with you, and result to almost always talking about work or some other superficial B.S that’s going on their life. One psychologist, A. Jernigan, says, ““Discomfort with vulnerability leads some people to distance themselves from their own emotional experiences, which makes it almost impossible to engage with others in a way that has emotional intimacy and depth.” These people are notorious for staying at the surface level, and as a result, you’ll never get anywhere with them physically or emotionally. There will always be something…missing.

The second sign to emotional unavailability is that they avoid commitment. This one is huge considering the proverb, “no man is an island.” This means that no one is truly self-sufficient, everyone must rely on the company and comfort of others in order to thrive. However, emotionally unavailable people don’t believe they need anyone besides themselves. They truly think that all they need in this life is their own credit and merit – something that’s not only toxic but also detrimental if you’re ever considering a relationship with them. These people avoid relationships like the damn plague. They can count the number of relationships they’ve had on one hand, not because they lack sexual expertise, but because they truly are petrified of commitment. They’re scared of “labels”, yet they’ve have had sex and casual romances with half of planet earth. That’s a serious red flag. They might also become uncomfortable if you express love for them or treat them as a confidant, and their apparent fear of commitment can and WILL leave you feeling insecure about your bond with them. Stay away from them!

Last but not least, an emotionally unavailable person isn’t available to YOU, period! They’ll make excuses as to why they can’t see you, the person they’re sleeping with, yet make time for everyone else including colleagues and other people they probably have on their “sex bucket list”. They’ll text you after hours of not responding and the second you respond to them a minute later, they’re nowhere to be found. Apparently too “busy” to listen to what you have to say, emotionally unavailable people love venting to others about their problems with no intentions of really listening to what others have to say. They’re incredibly selfish with their time because, again, they don’t think they need anyone but themselves. They will not empathize with your feelings because they truly do not care. You’re just someone they can use to get whatever they need, whenever they need it.

With that said, stop being available to emotionally unavailable people. Practice self-love and find hobbies that genuinely make your heart sing, and remember, the best way to get over one person is to find yourself. Learn what makes you happy, what makes you tick, and get out there and meet new people. The old saying is true – there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don’t waste your time on someone who you feel you must force to see your value. The truth is, they’ll never appreciate you until you’re gone, so you might as well save yourself the heartbreak and move on to someone who values what you have to say, think and feel. I’m personally still in the stage of letting go, but we’re in this together. This too shall pass.

With lots of love,

Rahaka.