Rumor has it that the best way to get over one person… is to get under someone else. I thought this tactic would work for me as I struggled with getting over my ex, but now, it’s only led me deeper into pain and frustration. I feel lost, confused, and quite frankly devastated. What was supposed to be a one-time fling, has now turned me fully love sick.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you felt sick to your stomach picturing them making love to someone else? That’s what I’m feeling right now. It’s 4:30 in the morning and all I can think about is whether he’s sleeping with her or not. I wonder if he’s deeply inside her right now – literally and figuratively – arousing every ounce of her being as he once did mine.

I don’t know when I became this jealous. All I know is something has got to give because I can’t be this love sick. I feel like I could faint and throw up at the same time. I feel so unappreciated yet so intrigued by the unrequited love. I haven’t felt this way before… so infatuated with a person that their whereabouts become an awkward fascination and fantasy for me. I had to get this out. This feeling of reversed lust. Could it truly be love that I’m feeling?

But what if I don’t know what love is? What if this is some wicked act of control and lust? What if the very thing I fear the most – to be abandoned – is the only reason I feel so attached to this person? There are so many questions at hand. Too many for me to even begin to ask, but I’ll try.

Sometimes I want to walk in your shoes, just to understand why I’m not enough for you. Everything was going so well. It was all so passionate. But then it came crashing like the London Bridge once I made the fatal mistake of asking you to define the relationship. I overreacted, I now know. But to be honest I needed all that to happen to come out of the La la land that I was stuck in with you.

It seems as if you’re totally able to move on. Totally able to look this past you. But what am I to do? I’m repelled at the idea of you being with anyone else. What am I to do when I’m so swoon – to seemingly the point of no return.

One part of me wants to look past our argument and keep going for old times sakes. But another knows that nothing will ever be the same after the conversation we had. I know I’ve wondered before if you were my twin flame, and honestly this love sickness got me reconsidering whether I’m going insane.

It’s all an illusion. This. You. Me. Us. A sweet and perfect illusion of what I hoped love would be. But now, as I lay in my bed, unable to sleep because I’m too bothered thinking about who you’re sleeping with, I realize that I must pick me. I have to pick me.

I can’t wait for school to start back up again so my focus can be redirected elsewhere. Because this love sickness got me feeling like I could commit a murder. Just kidding. I really do feel SICK though, y’all. There’s so much more I want to say. But I think that’s enough for today.

Thank you for supporting my art. Thank you for being patient with me. But most importantly, thank you for loving me as I am. This is probably my most scatter-brained blog post, so if you’ve read this far, you’re truly the real MVP. Thank you.

Love,

Rahaka.