I recently saw a Hindu proverb that said, “Sometimes two people have to fall apart in order to realize how much they need each other,” and it had me reflecting on myself and my past relationship. As I write this, an extremely sentimental song to that relationship is playing, which has me wondering : did he me miss me? Did he feel the same pain that I felt when I lost him? Did he want to fight for us…or was he simply willing to let it all fall apart? I couldn’t decide for him; I can hardly decide for myself. All I know is that the pain that I experienced from this heart break was real; and that there were too many things on my mind for me to want to go back through that agony again.

I started dating again after I conducted a poll that I posted on my instagram story, as mentioned on this blog post: https://stacyrahaka.com/2022/05/31/dating-apps-101-true-love-or-a-recipe-for-heart-break/, where I asked my friends whether they thought dating apps were effective or not. Even though a majority of them said that they didn’t believe they were worth it, I decided to give them a try, and so far the experience has been…interesting. I’ve been communicating with people from all over, but there are definitely a few that have caught my eye and attention. On top of that, there are people that I know irl that are actually really cool, and whom we shall also keep nameless lol, but I’ve just still been so lost about who to pick as a potential “mate”. It’s been particularly odd just seeing myself have sooo many options for the first time in my life yet having absolutely no interest in any of it. I’m not interested in the dating part, the relationship part… I’m just mentally and emotionally exhausted. Needless to say, I don’t have the energy to play games, or to try and figure out whether someone wants something real or not. I just want to be on the same page with someone whom I find mentally, physically and emotionally stimulating

Another Hindu proverb says, “We all want what is forbidden or not allowed. It’s just a tendency of the mind. So just observe and let go.” This also had me wondering, what is it that I really want? During my dating experience, everyone keeps asking me why I’m on the apps. And don’t get me wrong, a lot of the messages on the apps have been very flattering, but sometimes I’ve also genuinely been put on the spot from people inquiring about what I’m “really” looking for on the app(s). It’s crazy. I feel like I’m on a dating show or something. I haven’t known how to respond to that question from the very first person who asked me, perhaps because I myself haven’t identified what it is that I want. The Hindu proverb says we want what is forbidden. What I truly think is forbidden in modern day society is REAL LOVE. All I want is true, real love. But why is that so hard to find.

I used to talk to my therapist about this: the concept of unrequited love. Unrequited love, if you don’t know, is love that is not returned. It means you giving your all to someone, just to receive practically nothing in return because the person is emotionally unavailable, as mentioned in this blog post: https://stacyrahaka.com/2022/04/08/stop-dating-emotionally-unavailable-people/. My therapist always used to say that you don’t go looking for love, love finds you. And I feel like I’m doing the total opposite of that advice right now. This is partially because I’ve decided that I want to “assist” the universe in the pursuits of finding me a partner by showing it, the universe, that I’m committed to this process. It makes sense right? Putting myself out there must certainly improve the odds of me running into someone that I deem worthy of all my love and affection. I know that I can be all that someone needs, maybe more. I’ve been working on myself and I would love to be with someone’s son… haha. But seriously, they have to be totally out of the ordinary, that’s what I’ve come to realize about my ✨taste✨. I keep thinking about it, but I literally can’t be with someone whom I don’t find mentally, physically and emotionally attractive. I don’t even have a specific list… but there’s just certain things that a real man must check off, if you know what I mean. Some of those things include someone who’s taller and bulkier than me, someone who’s confident and driven, a man that’s clean and independent, loving and caring, affectionate but an alpha, and deeply in love with me to the point where they’re ready to take risks to make me happy. They also need to have a beautiful smile, be ravishingly loyal, and God fearing in some capacity.

In other news, today I completed 7 hours of independent research and I feel so accomplished about it. I read peer literature, drafted and created an entire storyboard and even took notes for my final research presentation due in August. I must say, even though I’m constantly blogging about relationships and love and dating, dating is merely just a supplement to my life because sometimes I get purely bored and need some entertainment in my life. Needless to say, I’m extremely wary of who I meet in person, so outside of actual dates, y’all, it’s nothing but face value from the apps. I’m thinking about paying premium on one of the apps actually, I just don’t know which one yet. I really want the full experience of getting to connect with people who are serious about dating, and potentially find “the one” .. or whatever they say. My ex has moved on and so it’s been time for me to do the same. I gotta be patient with relationships though, gotta stay real on the low. So I’ll take it super slow and just see where things go, you know?

What about you? How’s your dating life been? Has it been as successful as you’d hoped for? Or is it struggling and in complete distraught? Are you happy and content with everything about your relationship(s)? Or do you feel like there’s a lot of work that needs to be done? Furthermore, do you think dating apps are a waste of time? Or do you think they can be a faucet for love? Let me know in the comments, Royalty Gang 👑

love,

Rahaka 💋